expressionism..rather: feels like posting in English

as I'm reading the lyrics of all these great poets of Great Britain, I keep cathing myself going back in time and pondering over some past events.

like dancing lambada.

like P. running. and then taking off the hairband.

like me wanting her to sit next to me so much, and ditching Sarah for it.

like Sarah's walk home all by herself and eing worried about her.

like the bet with A. for holding the leg for 20 minutes.

like the bet of L. for me having a baby boy first and him definitely knwoing about it.

like the dream before November 17.

like sitting in the gym while dying from fever, but desperately wanting to do the show. and being given teh first laughs.

like that presentation of Byron in 212 in front of all those with whom I had no connection whatsoever. and how really not important was it back then. or rather: how much I didn't see that --- or mayb e just didn't want to?!

like dad's question of "why?."

like that silent, "better not say anything" and unfair quarrel with G.n. over articles, language exams and who-knows-what. the first slap from life...oh, no: this wasn't the first. just the first I got "on my own." one of the first fews on the road of me becoming a "PRO grown up."

like the moments of sitting in her apartment, wanting to look real good so as to live up to the 'history' and to her, and talking. agreeing on something that we both would have liked to believe still existed.

like talking with her and finally not feeling that strange feeling that I always had when I was around them.
like finallly not giving a shit whether they are on good terms or bad terms with each other.
like having accepeted the lies.

like looking at her, with the new short haircut and trying to see what I remembered. and then having been destroyed for a sec by her words. and then having to re-build the walls, behind which, no matter how she tries (or, and I'm so sorry for having to say this, but how hard she seems to try), she will never ever be able to enter through completely.

lke his question of whether he could help me. his request for grabbing the opportunity. his request, I soon had to learn was truly about himself. and my foolishness for wanting to believe so much.

like lying in the bed feeling really miserable.

like the events after that bag of cherries.

like sitting in the the dorm room and being on the phone with mom in October.

like the phone calls every week.

like not wanting to fall asleep.

like peanut butter and santa clause and the birds.
like no exit after-glow.

like coming - no, like being here.

like my head in his lap after the moment of despair. and the moment of embarassment when we were walked on.

like the Academically Fucked up party.

like the laundry sessions.

like his smile over what had happened. and like my smile over what had happened.

like the surprising phone call from S. and that it surprised him more than it did me.

like milk and oreeos. and all else.

like the car ride to see the Russian bear. the talk about music, theater, love, religion and life.
like the note and the cognac cherry left for J.Crew!

like loosing a hairband again.
like when Olya passed out.

like my checked pants and his head in my lap.
like we knew what could happen.
like her weirdness over waht had happened.
like my weird attitude and comprehesnion of wha thad happened.
like it's good it had happened.

like my green shirt. :)

like those glasses on her and him with her. and those feelings.

like the first moments in NYC.

like the third night in NYC.

like sharing the tent with N.

like when he was all jazzed about the job and when he was all relaxed for the first time in a month.

like when he lay down next to me.
like when he let that golden girl flirt with him. like when he was smiling.

like when Sunny walked me "home."

like at the OHT.

like hanging lights.

like going to King's County when I didn't know it was King's County.

like feeling it.

like being a very special/peculiarly-positioned assitant. like not minding it.

like being electrified by him.

like July 4th on the lake.

like swimming

like dancing on the roof.

like losing all those earrings.

like dancing on the subway.


like

like that nite with all the crazy-ness, and my decision to follow her and then to stay with him. and then the day after laughing at HIM for him "being considerate"

and like many more I can't recall, or type in here now.